


Real Love

by nyoungcat0913



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, M/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-23
Updated: 2016-04-23
Packaged: 2018-06-04 00:30:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6633445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nyoungcat0913/pseuds/nyoungcat0913
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>First person narration of Jinyoung's unappreciated love for Jaebum.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Real Love

**Author's Note:**

> Requested through my ask.fm a few hours ago. I hope I did the request justice even though I don't think it's angst enough for her liking. I'm sorry. It's been a while since I last wrote anything (｡ŏ﹏ŏ)

Real love. I constantly hear people ask what exactly is real love? I don't think anybody could explain real love in mere words. Words aren't ever enough. However, every time I look at him, though, I feel a wave of love rush towards me. It's frightening... and yet so beautifully elegant at the same time.

****

We met about 5 years ago. At first I thought he was another cliché rebellious teen. Trying to act all tough and cold (he became popular with the girls because of it too) but really, he's an actual ball of fluff. He's too sensitive for his own good. He cared too much. Trusted too easily. Loved too deeply. I watched him quietly shed tears during his first heartbreak. There was a heavy lump forming at the back of my throat as I listen to him mutter "I love her so much" over and over. He spent the night like that in my room, crying until he falls asleep. In the morning, he got up and left without saying a word. The next time I saw him he acted as if he was fine. But strangely, even though we knew each other for only a few short months then, I knew he was breaking. I saw his pain. I asked him about it and just shrugged it off. "I'm fine, Jinyoung. Just leave me alone." Was all he said. I stopped asking ever since.

*****

People called it fate, he called it a drag, and me...well all I did was let life happen. It might be fate, or something twisted that got us together like this. But we both decided to just go with the flow of things. He thought I was annoying, I only saw him as inspiring. "I can't believe I'm stuck with the Park Jinyoung kid again." I hear him say one time to his friends while they were out eating dinner. They didn't know I was there, and with Jaebum's remarks, I didn't think it was necessary to let my presence be known. "Just stick with it for a while, JB. You really don't have a choice." His friend said. I went back to the dorm as quietly as I can ahead of him. I cried in my room but I didn't know why.

When he got back, I was watching some drama in the living room. "Got you some ramyun if you want" he mutters. I hummed in response. He sat down quietly beside me and watched the drama. That moment I realized I don't have it in me to stay mad at him. And so I stood up and ate my ramyun.

  
While I was eating though, I felt as if he found my weakness and it scared me. I knew he would take advantage of it but I never let it bother me.

******

Every practice, he would work hard on his own. This made me feel as if I needed to somehow catch up to him. Every time I made mistakes, I'd catch him glaring at me and I would say I'm sorry.

Everybody deemed me as the fragile one among us two. That they somehow felt the need to protect me. I didn't intend for it to happen but it did. I can feel Jaebum cursing at me for it although he never said anything about it. He was forced though to be the one to protect me. I'm not gonna lie, I felt as if my ego increased a bit because of it. In reality though, I don't think Jaebum-hyung would protect me at all. And so I taught myself to be stronger. I turned my skin into a bulletproof vest, my heart made of steel. I think he saw it too, and was relieved he wouldn't be bothered by me anymore.

*******

The time they told us that there would be no more of JJ Project, I felt as if my world was falling apart. It scared me, truth be told, that I somehow managed to fail Jaebum-hyung. I felt sorry, so frightened that I locked myself up in my room and cried myself to sleep.

The next day, he never spoke to me. I was scared and so I never tried to talk to him back.

Management said that we might end up separating. I knew it was my fault. I wasn't enough to push Jaebum hyung to the top. I wanted to cry but reminded myself that I won't fall apart in front of them. I glanced at Jaebum hyung and saw relief. Finally, he'll be able to get rid of me.

*****

It wasn't long before I found out that I will be reunited with Jaebum hyung again along with five other members. I was scared, I admit. Scared that I would cause him another failure. Scared to have to face him yet again. But I was glad that it wouldn't just be us anymore.

  
*****

It was hard. I know everyone knows how hard it was for us. To debut, and fail, disband, and then to have to debut again, and be faced with the same type of failure again. I tried to be there for Jaebum hyung as much as I can. As often as I have to.

Everyone thought that somehow I would be Jaebum hyung's conscience. His other half of some sort. The management thought we shine on stage brighter together than we are apart. That no matter what I do, Jaebum hyung do not have it in him to be mad at me. But reality is meant to be harsher that it is in people's fantasies.

One time during practice, Jaebum hyung got so frustrated that he lost his temper and got mad at the members. Everyone left him alone in the room and they voted to have me talk to him. It was nerve wracking.

My hand couldn't stop shaking as I reached for the door knob and opened the door. My voice cracked when I called for him.

"I told you to leave me alone didn't I?!" He hissed at me. I told myself in my head that I wouldn't back down and cower in front of him. That I somehow managed to get past my weakness and face him head on. "Don't be like this hyung.." I managed to say. "You don't have to lose your temper on them just because of our mistakes." "Just because?! JUST BECAUSE?!" He shouted, and I flinched. "Do you remember what costs us because of our mistakes Jinyoung?! It cost us everything! And don't tell me not to get mad JUST BECAUSE of those mistakes!"

When a normal person gets shouted at like this by Jaebum hyung, they would've probably broken down and cried. But not me. I saw him falter, I saw his fears, I saw his regrets. Jaebum hyung wouldn't admit this but he felt it was his own fault and shortcomings that JJ Project failed. He was too proud and it made me want to protect him somehow. And so I stood there, resolved. I would catch all of his curses, all of his negative feelings, every bit of hurtful words that have been hurled, I would catch them all. I can't say for certain that I would protect Jaebum hyung from his pain. I don't think I can ever do that. But one thing is for sure, if he ends up broken, I will be the one to put him back together again.

******

'What is Jinyoung to you?'

That was a question Jaebum hyung got asked about.

In front of the fans, the cameras flashing, cameras rolling, he answered "he's my brother. Someone who understands me. Someone who can remain calm even though he's seen me break and get angry. We don't need words to understand each other, we just do."

Of course I felt the same way. I was proud of him, to be honest. Proud that he could stand tall in front of the crowd and smile brightly for them. Proud that he managed to reach his dreams. I may not have done it single handedly but I was there to help him get through anything. Without knowing it, he became such a huge part of me. He's someone I care for deeply. Seeing him hold a trophy with a smile on his face was enough for me. That alone was all I ever wished for.

However, as soon as the cameras stopped rolling and all the doors were closed, his smile vanishes. His eyes, whenever directed at me, turned cold. His happiness that I'm around disperses and all that's left was the sick scent of nothingness. But it was okay. It never discouraged me to do what I have to do to support him. He might find it annoying but I am selfish... and I find being next to him rewarding.

******

When Jaebum hyung got injured I made sure I was the first one next to him. I made sure I gave him anything he needed to heal quickly. "I didn't ask you to do any of this." He said to me once while I peeled an apple for him. "You don't have to. I'd still do it." I answered. "Why?" He asked. I shrugged and he left it at that.

I finished cutting up the apple when I finally said "because I love you" and there was silence. An eerie silence. It suddenly became heavier to breathe in. I didn't look at him but he was looking back at me and I feel his eyes tearing a hole right through me. "Don't ever come near me again." He said. His voice was cold, pierced through my so-called heart made of steel.

I stood up quietly and left.

******

From that moment on, we endeavored together and yet separately at the same time. I felt him slipping farther and farther away from me. I wanted to chase after him but every time I do he would just take two steps further. I hated it. I hated myself and my moment of weakness. I hated for telling him that I love him. And yet, his coldness towards me didn't stop me from crashing face first into love with him.

In my heart I still wanted to support him. To push him upwards towards his dream. Even though he's resolved to distance himself from me, I would be here. Willing to catch him if he falls. If he breaks, I'm still the person to piece him back together. I will be that person no matter what.

*******

The next time Jaebum hyung broke his heart, he fell on a drunken stupor. Jackson guided him to the living room and knocked on my door. "Hey. Take care of Jaebum hyung, will you?" He said. "And where are you going?" I asked him. "Out. I'm not the one with a broken relationship with leader-ssi anyways. I'm taking everyone with me." And with that, he left.

I stood there watching Jaebum hyung mumble in his sleep. He reeks of alcohol and a strong smell of cigarettes along with it. I stood there unknowing what to do. Should I leave him here? He's safe anyway. He jolted up awake and ran for the bathroom. I followed him and saw him vomiting on the toilet. I grabbed a towel and handed it to him without saying a word. He accepted it and just sat there for a while longer.

I was about to leave when he finally broke the silence "why..." he mutters.

"What?" I asked, unsure if I was the one he was really talking to. "Why, Jinyoung?" He says again. "Why are you still here?" I wasn't sure how to answer it so I didn't. "I told you to leave me alone, didn't I?" He continues. "I'm a piece of shit, Jinyoung. So why do you keep staying?"

I sat quietly beside Jaebum hyung and waited for him to go on. If he insists on being left alone, then I would do so. But for now, I feel like I shouldn't leave just yet.

"I'm fucking broken down. I don't even show you enough appreciation. I blamed you for every failure that I, myself, made. I pushed you away so many times so why the hell do you insist to stay?" I could hear him sobbing and panic rose to my chest. "Even though you saw me fall in love and give my attention to others than you, you're still here. Why? I don't deserve this. I don't understand. You don't deserve someone like me." His words stabbed right at me. I wanted to reach for his hand because that's the only way I can show him my feelings. He's coming undone in front of me and I don't even know what to say.

"You don't have to waste your time on me, Jinyoung. Don't waste your time on me." He says in between sobs. And right at that moment, I knew I have to end whatever pain he's giving himself.

"I'm not wasting my time on you, Jaebum hyung." I started "I won't ever feel like I wasted so much on you. I told you before, and I won't get tired of saying it again: I love you." I reached for his hand and surprisingly, he didn't reject my touch. "I promised myself that I would be strong for you. That I would put you back together whenever you're broken. You're not as tough as people thought you to be and I figured you still need someone to lean on. I've decided to be that for you. I don't need you to love me back nor do I expect you to thank me or owe me anything. I'm doing these for you, for myself. I know it's selfish but as long as you need it, I will be here for you, for as long as you want me to be. If by the end of the day, you still want me gone, I will do that. If you still feel burdened by my presence, I'll disappear."

The next thing I knew, tears won't stop flowing from my eyes. Everything becomes a blur. But I do know this, as soon as I finished talking, Jaebum hyung squeezed my hand.

******

Real love. People have asked anyone they come across with, 'what real love is?' They would turn to the internet for answers, they would go from one person to another in search for it. Real love isn't found on quotations from poems. It can't be written with words. Nor do you force yourself to find it in someone. Real love happens. It's a constant event in your life and it doesn't disappear once you've found it. Real love is a feeling. Real love is me and him. Real love is patience; it's understanding; it's compromise. Real love stays even if at times you find them annoying. Real love is and forever will be.


End file.
